St Valentine’s day, George Clooney and online dating

chickendateotron

So I walk into the local florist to buy an orchid to take to my friend’s brunch (I am not sure of the ‘ladies only’ home based brunch protocols, it’s my first).  I turn round to hold the door and there is a delivery guy trying to get in.

Dozens of red roses being delivered.

“For me!”, I say, this is just out of habit when faced with a man carrying flowers. Then I realize that it’s that time of year again.

It’s ‘Valentine’s Day’ season. I remember the days of my hopeful teens when I used to spend hours and hours in Hallmark, Scribbler, WH Smiths choosing cards (yes cards, plural. I used to hedge my bets on the perfect card.

Valentine’s day is no friend of the romantic single girl. I remember the thrill and the speculation of the genuinely mysterious card. Hours wasted wondering if mum had given Rod Stewart my address.

So to my point.  As a part of ‘the next phase of my life’ project I have admitted to myself that I do want a partner, boyfriend, whatever the right term is at my age. When I was in Melbourne in October I was bemoaning my single status to a friend who it turns out has a portfolio of three men for different social occasions (Three!!!!).

“What are you doing about it” she asked me and I realize the truth was nothing at all.

Even worse the real truth is that I am still a teeny bit hooked into my long-running ‘unrequited’ story. Also I am extremely nervous of dating and all that I imagine it involves (this may motivate me to go to the gym if nothing else comes of it). So I promised I would sign up to ‘RSVP’ (an Australian dating site) when I headed back to Australia in February ‘next year’ (which is now).

So this is the Perth plan. I am there for a month; it will be fun to meet some nice guys and ‘date’ I tell myself.

If I sign up before I get there I can set up a date before I get there.

How difficult can that be?

You have no idea.

I clicked on the RSVP site and filled out my details. Hard to do this well without sounding really boring, “fun person wants to meet a fun person” or really ‘up for it’; “adventurous, fun loving blonde looking for playmate”.  I know it is important to be compelling and clear but it’s still an excruciating and revealing process.

First draft done, I want to browse beyond the first layer and see the profiles but I have to send off my details and take a trial membership. I ‘drag and drop’ the ‘best photo ever taken of me’ (see below – thanks Val Smith) and I am done.

jill

I wait for some kind of notification that I am up and running. Preferably something like this: George Clooney contacts me to say “I made a mistake with Amal, the mists have finally cleared, I’ve just seen ‘the best photo ever taken of you’ and we must meet. Preferably in Perth. Ideally in February.”

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Nothing.

Day later, still nothing.

Day after that day, nothing.

Seems I have been locked out.

I check my junk file; email from the administrator. My ip address and my stated address don’t match up. I explain “I am only going to be in Perth for a month” (that sounds terrible, what kind of woman dates for a month). “You’ll have to send a passport ID with a photo that has your date of birth so we can verify your identity”

Oops. A truly mortifying moment when I realize I shaved a few years off, “my DOB may not totally match my passport details” I say. “I was told everyone does that”. Mortified again. “It’s partly vanity (the main driver) and I am concerned about identity theft (true)” I say.

She didn’t comment on my lying, just let me know the next day that I was uploaded and my age was now “in line with our policy guidelines”. So I am 56 again.

More problems. Turns out ‘the best photo ever taken of me’ cannot be used, Disaster.   I wondered if it’s because I look too young, but I think its because of a lack of pixels.

I try the next best photo. I have my sunglasses on, not allowed, “please refer to our photo guidelines”.

IMG_5517

Down to the one where I look a bit outdoorsy, have no make up on but it’s a good smile. It’ll have to do for now.  So I am now ready and ‘cleared through RSVP passport control’. The world of the RSVP male is mine.

I finally take a look around. 20 minutes pass quite quickly……

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

No one told me that the ‘checked out’ RSVP man gets a notification when I click on him. Internal sinking heart and hot cheeks again. (I only realize this because I get a notification of a click on me)

There is one guy I like the look of (shorter than I have told RSVP is ‘perfect for me’), he is mad about sports (‘note to self’ edit that section immediately, I do like Roger Federer, that’s sport, right?).

I am only 5’ 4”, and so 5’ 9” is still taller than me. He is handsome. So I send a message (helpfully RSVP pre-write these.  In line with their policy guidelines).

Where has it gone???  Nooooo I can’t start again!

The Site diverts me to the ‘pay up if you want to send a message’ section It would appear that ‘Trial members’ have to send a ‘kiss’ unless they cough up for at least a month. Credit card won’t work, but I can send a ‘kiss’. Can I bear it?

Well he is handsome, did I mention that? Well as they say, “in for a penny in for a pound”

‘Click’.

The ‘Kiss sent’ message appears.

I have died just a little bit.

Laptop lid quickly closed. And so, as they say, the adventure begins.  chickenvalentine

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8 thoughts on “St Valentine’s day, George Clooney and online dating

  1. oh jill! you are adorable and so funny and smart – smart arse. by the way you are booked up on Feb 14 th X love you

    brgds d e m i m c l e o d +61(0)410710701 demimcleod.com

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